Yesterday was Valentines Day. Yesterday was also the day on which a lengthy troubling of my soul reached it's zenith. I find it ironic that on this calendarized "day of love" my own questions about knowing the love of God seemed to consume me.
In a few days it will be 21 years since I accepted Christ and became a Christian. Recently, and gradually, I have been coming to the realization that for most of those years my "relationship" with God has been strictly academic. Everything that I know about God, I know about because I read it in a book or heard it preached in a sermon. Everything that I know about God's love, I know about on a theological level. Yet I've been startled as I've come to realize that I have never really KNOWN God's love for me.
Oh, there was the "spiritual honeymoon" that first year or so when I was 18; a honeymoon that quickly faded into nothing more than doctrines and debates and left me wondering "Were did God go?" There were those moments when I got caught up in the theatrical frenzy of some charismatic church environments. But for nearly all of these 21 years, my heart has never really been captivated by God. I have never experienced from Him love like a father would have for his son, or like a groom would have for his bride.
My relationship with God for all of these years has been a utilitarian arrangement. God did some good stuff for me, like saving me and making sure I have enough food, clothing, and shelter, and bringing my wife safely through cancer. And in return I have striven to do some good stuff for him; like giving food to the poor, street-preaching at Mardi Gras, and getting ordained so I can plant a church.
Yet in the midst of this my heart has ached for something more. On too many occassions to count over the years I have pleaded with God to capture and transform my heart. He has captured and transformed my mind. I think about God and ministry stuff continuously throughout the day. The only books I read are books about God, theology, and church. But my heart remains cold and alone. The lyrics of my mind are desperately crying out to be accompanied by a melody from my heart; a heart that has been ravaged by the love of a passionate God who claims to love me so much he would endure the cross for me.
Which leads me to another thought. I've nearly become convinced that God merely tolerates my existence. It's easy for me to imagine God saying to me, "Yes, I love you because I said it in my word therefore I have to...and yes you'll get to come to Heaven, but I'd rather you just stay over in the corner and be quiet." I guess it's easy for me to think these thoughts because of the many, many times over the years that I've pleaded with God to let me know His love more intimately...all to no avail.
I don't believe there is anything wrong with God. I believe that He is everthing the Bible says He is and I believe that He does indeed love people just as He says He does. I believe the problem rests in the apparent reality that I do not have the capacity to experience love from others. That part of me is broken. I know what it is to feel love for other people. I love my wife very, very much. But on the receiving end, like I said earlier, It's easy for me to believe that my existence in this world is merely tolerated by God and others. Which in itself leaves me wondering how much interest God may really have in "fixing" this broken part of me.
Bill, it is possible for God to be known. There are periods when it seems this way to me also but...I will pray that God will give you a giant, emotional hug soon.
Posted by: Ann | February 16, 2007 at 07:52 AM
Holy Cow Bill. Man Your openness has touched me deeply. In many ways I can relate to your post here, and in many ways I wish I could be so transparent.
Posted by: Carl | February 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM